Are you a Human Giver?
Let’s talk about Human Giver Syndrome. Burnout references Kate Manne’s work Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny, describing two classes of people, “the human givers” and “the human beings.” The givers “are expected to offer their time, attention, affection, and bodies willingly, placidly to the other class of people.” Implied in her philosophy is that human beings have a moral obligation to be or express their humanity. Human givers have a moral obligation to give their humanity to human beings.
Human givers expect to be pretty, happy, calm, generous, and attentive to others’ needs. The flip side is that they must not be ugly, angry, upset, ambitious, or alert to their own needs. (If indeed they recognize them). Givers are stuck in cycles of not asking for, or demanding, anything. Doing so may lead to punishment, shame, or destruction. Sound stressful yet?
Remember that emotional exhaustion occurs when we get stuck in emotions and can’t move through the tunnel. In Human Giver Syndrome, the giver isn’t allowed to express feelings, so they remain trapped and cannot move through the tunnel.
The human body’s innate wisdom knows that Human Giver Syndrome can be a killer. No amount of deep breathing, green smoothies, or mindfulness retreats can be the complete answer. The giver’s efforts toward self-care can be seen as selfish, so the strategies used may activate more punishment from your outer or inner world. The Nagoski’s suggest that Human Giver Syndrome is our disease.
So, what’s the prescription? The next installment will differentiate stress from our stressors. We’ll understand the biology and psychology of stress and why we get stuck. We’ll also start finding ways to get unstuck and out of the tunnel. It may involve meditation, green smoothies, and breathing exercises. Above all, it requires understanding, “Wellness is not a state of being, but a state of action.”
Are you a Human Giver? How does this show up in your life? Has there been a cost to being a Giver? Leave a note in the comments.
Source: Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA Ballantine Books, 2020.
Caregiving can be a challenging time.
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