Did a phone call ever change your life? One changed mine.
The call came at dawn on the first Saturday in May. A doctor we didn’t know from a town we’d never heard of called to let us know my husband’s sister was seriously ill. He suspected she had late-stage lung cancer. More testing would be required 30 miles away in an urban hospital. She was consenting to treatment but wanted her brother notified. The adventure began.
My husband is a physician and I had been a medical social worker and psychotherapist. Hospitals and caregiving were not unfamiliar to us. We cleared our calendars and boarded the first of many flights.
Fasten your seatbelts, we’re ready for takeoff.
We traveled back and forth 2-3 times per month that summer. We became friends with the car rental agent, hotel clerks, and restaurant servers. Each day was like being on a reality show. There was always a new task and challenge to find resources in unfamiliar territory. We sent flowers to the realtor, banker, lawyer, veterinarian (for her cat), and ultimately the funeral director.
A care facility placement was the only option in her rural area. Securing her agreement to the plan was an almost daily negotiation. Honoring her wishes while knowing what was ahead made for a delicate balancing act. It also made for an invaluable reconnection for siblings.
Reverse planning is a hard way to go forward.
Our experiences as caregivers for dying parents as well as working with patients led us to value planning. Who would be involved, what would they do, where was the information, and how was it shared? What was important to someone and how would we carry that out, if we could carry it out. (Burial of cremains at sea is a story for another time). Who will clean out a home?
So, what changed in me?
During those months of travel, I read Gail Sheehy’s book, Passages In Caregiving. It validated the exhaustion, second-guessing, and information gathering that occupied our days and nights. I knew I wanted to help other caregivers find their way through the minefield of worry, questions, and more. Helping others have the tough conversations, discuss options, create plans, and honoring the feelings that come along with the territory was my future.
How prepared are you if the phone rings and caregiving is on the other end?
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Caregiving can be a challenging time.
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